A few months ago I was hanging out with one of my friends, and we were discussing relationships. He was telling me about how he had taken this girl on a few dates, and everything seemed fine insofar (I've been wanting to use that word forever) as his likelyhood of dating her. But then, on the third date, she stopped responding to his texts, his calls, everything. She pretty much dropped off of the face of the earth. And he never heard from her again.
I sat and listened, saddened by his story. I knew as he spoke the method behind her madness. You see, my friend is a very fine fellow indeed. He is a gentleman and a scholar. He is the typical buy roses, give attention, hopeless romantic type. A good guy at heart, he doesn't lie, cheat, steal, nor stoop to any of the commonplace ideologies that relationships seem to hold nowadays.
So why would this woman, seeing all that my friend had to offer, not be interested? He has all the principles you could ever want in a man. He is fairly intelligent, and he has a good personality. His physical features are attractive, he isn't a bad looking at all.
Wouldn't that be all a girl would want?
Turns out the answer is no. I asked my friend to tell me more about the dates they went on. What happened, what he did, and how he did it. I began to question if she ever did anything that he wasn't really ok with, but didn't say anything because he wanted to make the relationship work. This is where gold was struck.
He told me that on a fairly regular basis, she would tell him about a club she was going to be hitting up, getting drunk and partying. She also kissed another one of her guy friends on the lips when she was hanging out with my friend on a date, and then proceeded to tell him that she does that with all of her guy friends. He said that it took her forever to respond to any text he would send. Same with phone calls or iming through facebook. He told me that every time they hung out she would constantly be on her phone, texting away.
After I got all this information, I pieced together the reasoning. And after my friend (we'll call him ralph) told me all of it, he had quite a learning experience himself. He didn't want a girlfriend like that, and the only reason he had been sticking it out was because he wanted a relationship. This is where I started formulating the Four Q's, a simple, yet vastly understated formula for finding determining exactly what you want a man or woman.
You see, Ralph had very different goals for a relationship than the girl he was seeing. He wanted true longevity, satisfaction, and honesty. Most of all he wanted integrity. The girl he was dating wasn't after that at all. She wanted the freedom of being young and attractive, she wanted to experiment and party. She definitely didn't want to start dating some good guy that would make her want to change her life around, even if it was for the better. Which is fine, do what feels good, don't worry about your spiritual consequences (Disclaimer: I find that some people think the words religion and spirituality are synonymous. This is false. When I say spirituality, I merely mean a quest for meaning, and for meaningful relationships. More on this in my previous post, A Conversation).
At this point I'm going to delve into the four Q's, the qualifiers when it comes to finding an agreeable partner. Keep in mind that these dont go in any certain order, but one is (in my head) fairly more important then the rest.
1. looks
I don't know about you, but for me, I used to think that I was shallow if I used a girls looks as a partial determinate as to whether I would date her. I don't think that way anymore. I believe it is more common sense. When I see a girl, the first thing I notice is the way she looks. Not the personality she has, or the types of beliefs she harbors. So, while not the end all, looks serve as a good starting point.
Oh yea, and in all honesty, why the hell would I want to be in a relationship with someone I dont find physically attractive? That would make intimacy painfully difficult.
2. Personality
The second qualifier is personality, without it the relationship would be a dull experience. For me, I need a girl that can interact freely with me, one whos makeup seems to be compatible to mine. I'm NOT saying that she needs to be the female version of me. She and I just need to click. Laughter for me is a necessity, I want to be able to have fun, and enjoy my time around the person.
3. Intelligence.
I cannot date an airhead. That might sound brutal, but it's true. I need a girlfriend who is competent, and can have meaningful conversation. We dont have to have the same opinions about everything, but being able to debate and converse is a definate must have with me.
4. Integrity/morals
To me, this is probably the most important attribute. I will explain why in a second. First I need to explain what I mean.
With integrity, I revert back to the old saying, "say what you mean, mean what you say," and its equally important brother, " DO what you say, say what you do." They both boil down to honesty, plain and simple. I need a girlfriend who isn't full of shit, will tell me things candidly, and wont beat around the bush.
When it comes to morals, does this person align with my own sense of right and wrong? For example: The girl I'm interested in goes clubbing every night. Is this something I want in a relationship? Is it something that I believe in, or something I would do? Does she seem to hold the same standards/principles for herself that I do? If I can answer these questions successfully, I'll be one step closer to a healthy and satisfying relationship, provided thats what I want.
A word to the wise, out of all of the four Q's, only one can sneak up from behind you and kick you in the ass. And thats integrity/morals. Why? I thought you'd never ask.
-When it comes to looks, what you see is what you get. They can't really suprise you, unless they have an odd birth defect, or some hidden deformation.
-When it comes to personality, again there should be no suprise. I know pretty much off the bat if I like a girls personality. And if this somehow changes throughout a relationship with her, thats more of a moral thing, a concern with mental stability, or some other factor.
-And with intelligence, you can figure that out by having a few serious talks with that person. Assessment can come even quicker than that, given you are particularly perceptive.
But oh, how the integrity aspect can hurt you. After the initial "newness" of a relationship wears off, you might suddenly find yourself disliking, even despising certain ways your other half handles themselves and situations. You might start to notice the frequency of drink and the bad decisions made during, the lack of integrity when it comes to common day situations, and maybe even the absense of a moral compass entirely. You might find that once you strip away the other things that so attracted you to that person, what you are left with is a shell of human conscience, with no substance to keep it intact. You might find what I'm saying is harsh, but it happens all the time. For example.
Girl gets into a relationship with guy. Things go great for a few months. Then girl starts noticing a large increase in the amount texts and calls her boyfriend is getting from other women, sometimes late into the night. His ex girlfriend (the one he was in a relationship 2 months prior to dating this new girl) constantly calls and texts, sending odd and provacative things to him. So the girl tells him it makes her uncomfortable, that while she knows he isn't doing anything with them, it still seems kind of weird. He agrees, but doesn't stop it. Instead of telling the girl that is continually calling and texting to chill out, that it's kind of weird for her to be so adamant on communicating with him, he ignores his phone whenever it rings around his girlfriend. This continues, and now the sense of secrecy that her boyfriend is displaying becomes a burden on her mind, and she doesn't know what to do. "In the beginning of the relationship it wasn't like this," shes apt to think, "why is it starting now? Why can't he just say leave me alone? Does she even know I'm dating him?" Confused and struggling, she puts up with it for a while, occassionaly telling him that it makes her uncomfortable, to which he replies that he knows, and he's sorry. This goes on for a while, and the girl becomes more and more upset, not knowing what to do.
As you can probably infer, the relationship went down the tubes. This wasn't a sneak attack by his personality, looks, or intelligence that hurt her, it was his lack of integrity. Instead of telling the girls (mainly the ex) to stop calling and texting all the time, he chose to ignore it. Why? Because he was afraid of hurting their feelings. He didn't want to make anyone upset. But this in turn hurt his current girlfriend the worst. By trying to prevent what he didn't want to happen, that exact thing did happened. Even when his girlfriend pointed that out to him, he didn't change, because fear of change is bigger than the fear of losing her.
So be wary of the integrity slip. Its happened to me before, and it's not fun.
Either way, the Four Q's are as follows.
1Looks
2.Personality
3.Intelligence
4. Integrity/ morals
And might I add, before you go trying to categorize every possible dating partner, you might want to determine for yourself what you want. Some people argue that you can't know what you want till you've had what you don't, but I disagree. I haven't asked out hundreds of women because I knew that they wouldn't be what I wanted. This is because I have an ideal, mainly centered around these four Q's. I've given you my archtype going along with each qualifier. So far it's treated me well. But YOU have to decide what you want, and never settle for something if it isn't what your happy with.
If there's anything I've learned since being alive, its that being in a relationship so as not to be alone is stupid. Being in a relationship with someone that doesn't fulfill these standards is quite harmful, and for me leads to dissatisfaction throughout the relationship.
Anyways, I know this was long, but I appreciate all who read it. If you have any comments just send them to me via email, hedonarium@yahoo.com , or just leave them here!
At this point I'm going to delve into the four Q's, the qualifiers when it comes to finding an agreeable partner. Keep in mind that these dont go in any certain order, but one is (in my head) fairly more important then the rest.
1. looks
I don't know about you, but for me, I used to think that I was shallow if I used a girls looks as a partial determinate as to whether I would date her. I don't think that way anymore. I believe it is more common sense. When I see a girl, the first thing I notice is the way she looks. Not the personality she has, or the types of beliefs she harbors. So, while not the end all, looks serve as a good starting point.
Oh yea, and in all honesty, why the hell would I want to be in a relationship with someone I dont find physically attractive? That would make intimacy painfully difficult.
2. Personality
The second qualifier is personality, without it the relationship would be a dull experience. For me, I need a girl that can interact freely with me, one whos makeup seems to be compatible to mine. I'm NOT saying that she needs to be the female version of me. She and I just need to click. Laughter for me is a necessity, I want to be able to have fun, and enjoy my time around the person.
3. Intelligence.
I cannot date an airhead. That might sound brutal, but it's true. I need a girlfriend who is competent, and can have meaningful conversation. We dont have to have the same opinions about everything, but being able to debate and converse is a definate must have with me.
4. Integrity/morals
To me, this is probably the most important attribute. I will explain why in a second. First I need to explain what I mean.
With integrity, I revert back to the old saying, "say what you mean, mean what you say," and its equally important brother, " DO what you say, say what you do." They both boil down to honesty, plain and simple. I need a girlfriend who isn't full of shit, will tell me things candidly, and wont beat around the bush.
When it comes to morals, does this person align with my own sense of right and wrong? For example: The girl I'm interested in goes clubbing every night. Is this something I want in a relationship? Is it something that I believe in, or something I would do? Does she seem to hold the same standards/principles for herself that I do? If I can answer these questions successfully, I'll be one step closer to a healthy and satisfying relationship, provided thats what I want.
A word to the wise, out of all of the four Q's, only one can sneak up from behind you and kick you in the ass. And thats integrity/morals. Why? I thought you'd never ask.
-When it comes to looks, what you see is what you get. They can't really suprise you, unless they have an odd birth defect, or some hidden deformation.
-When it comes to personality, again there should be no suprise. I know pretty much off the bat if I like a girls personality. And if this somehow changes throughout a relationship with her, thats more of a moral thing, a concern with mental stability, or some other factor.
-And with intelligence, you can figure that out by having a few serious talks with that person. Assessment can come even quicker than that, given you are particularly perceptive.
But oh, how the integrity aspect can hurt you. After the initial "newness" of a relationship wears off, you might suddenly find yourself disliking, even despising certain ways your other half handles themselves and situations. You might start to notice the frequency of drink and the bad decisions made during, the lack of integrity when it comes to common day situations, and maybe even the absense of a moral compass entirely. You might find that once you strip away the other things that so attracted you to that person, what you are left with is a shell of human conscience, with no substance to keep it intact. You might find what I'm saying is harsh, but it happens all the time. For example.
Girl gets into a relationship with guy. Things go great for a few months. Then girl starts noticing a large increase in the amount texts and calls her boyfriend is getting from other women, sometimes late into the night. His ex girlfriend (the one he was in a relationship 2 months prior to dating this new girl) constantly calls and texts, sending odd and provacative things to him. So the girl tells him it makes her uncomfortable, that while she knows he isn't doing anything with them, it still seems kind of weird. He agrees, but doesn't stop it. Instead of telling the girl that is continually calling and texting to chill out, that it's kind of weird for her to be so adamant on communicating with him, he ignores his phone whenever it rings around his girlfriend. This continues, and now the sense of secrecy that her boyfriend is displaying becomes a burden on her mind, and she doesn't know what to do. "In the beginning of the relationship it wasn't like this," shes apt to think, "why is it starting now? Why can't he just say leave me alone? Does she even know I'm dating him?" Confused and struggling, she puts up with it for a while, occassionaly telling him that it makes her uncomfortable, to which he replies that he knows, and he's sorry. This goes on for a while, and the girl becomes more and more upset, not knowing what to do.
As you can probably infer, the relationship went down the tubes. This wasn't a sneak attack by his personality, looks, or intelligence that hurt her, it was his lack of integrity. Instead of telling the girls (mainly the ex) to stop calling and texting all the time, he chose to ignore it. Why? Because he was afraid of hurting their feelings. He didn't want to make anyone upset. But this in turn hurt his current girlfriend the worst. By trying to prevent what he didn't want to happen, that exact thing did happened. Even when his girlfriend pointed that out to him, he didn't change, because fear of change is bigger than the fear of losing her.
So be wary of the integrity slip. Its happened to me before, and it's not fun.
Either way, the Four Q's are as follows.
1Looks
2.Personality
3.Intelligence
4. Integrity/ morals
And might I add, before you go trying to categorize every possible dating partner, you might want to determine for yourself what you want. Some people argue that you can't know what you want till you've had what you don't, but I disagree. I haven't asked out hundreds of women because I knew that they wouldn't be what I wanted. This is because I have an ideal, mainly centered around these four Q's. I've given you my archtype going along with each qualifier. So far it's treated me well. But YOU have to decide what you want, and never settle for something if it isn't what your happy with.
If there's anything I've learned since being alive, its that being in a relationship so as not to be alone is stupid. Being in a relationship with someone that doesn't fulfill these standards is quite harmful, and for me leads to dissatisfaction throughout the relationship.
Anyways, I know this was long, but I appreciate all who read it. If you have any comments just send them to me via email, hedonarium@yahoo.com , or just leave them here!
It's hard to find the qualifiers that really describe what you want in a relationship, but it really helps a person know who they really are. I agree with your four. these are pretty basic things to look for in a companion. i know Ive dated people who only fit one or two of those qualifiers, and am glad that I've moved on and know what I really want. Its part of growing up. someone who is looking for qualifiers like 'looks, personality, and how much beer they can hold' is probably not going to have a very lasting realtionship.
ReplyDeleteas far another of your comments, it really is commonplace for people to date only because they dont want to be single anymore. Ive been single for a bit now and just recently realised that I wasnt looking for someone that I really clicked with, but I didnt want to be single anymore, which is pretty fucked up. glad I had the realization because I find someone, I want it to be good and not just a means of an out. im happy being single, and i hate that there are a lot of people out there who feel incomplete without someone to 'share everything with'. its more important to be comfortable in yourself before finding someone else to be comfortable with.
i have a friend who was never single. she would date a guy until someone better came along, and then dump the first guy for the second and so on and so forth. luckily she doesnt do that anymore, but i hated seeing her have to have someone.
and integrity and morals? completely key, definitely. its one of those things, however, that you cant really learn about a person until you actually are in a relationship with them. yes, integrity and morals on a wide basis sure, but their morals in a relationship are a different book, really. hopefully someone with high intelligence and a good personality will have that integrity on a more personal level, but its really always a chance that you have to take.
Your absolutely right, these are very general concepts. I know I'm not really breaking new ground, more so just stating that it seems as though people don't really have a good grasp on these seemingly simple observations. It took me a while too, actually, not until the most recent relationship I got out of, to figure out what I want, and how to break it down into something I could stomach.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is the bummer about integrity and morals, you can't know them fully until you date them. Its very tricky, and a risk everyone has to take.