Doesn't Hurt Yet

Sleep of Dreaming

2009-07-30T21:32:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I have no say in the matter.
I roll over and demonstrate my passiveness,
contorting my figure until I meet your ideal.

I struggle with brushing my teeth,
my fingers shake at the thought.
You have not a clue.

Driving is blurry, I cant see too far.
On the way to my perfect job,
my perfect life, my perfect world

Entry grants me smiles
I return the favor.
This small talk burns my soul.

Blot it out, weakened in this state.
I stumble to my desk, to find myself,
half awake and dreaming

What is my conditioning?
The transcript of my destiny
Already laid before me

In twenty years I'll pick up a pen
Record how it could have been
and continue walking wearily.

My God is this disheartening.

Stumble with me wont you stranger?
Find this palace, free you anger.
Walk along oblivious,
I can help you end this stress.

Turn a corner in your mind,
and show me whats been missing.
I'll take your silence as a yes,
and I'll continue kissing.

Dive into me and take a breath,
search your soul and never rest.

I can help you end this stress.
I'd love to help you clean this mess.

I'll tell you what you want to hear
Lean in close, lend me your ear
I will take you from this place
We'll journey out to inner space.

The Four Qualifiers

2009-07-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I was hanging out with one of my friends, and we were discussing relationships. He was telling me about how he had taken this girl on a few dates, and everything seemed fine insofar (I've been wanting to use that word forever) as his likelyhood of dating her. But then, on the third date, she stopped responding to his texts, his calls, everything. She pretty much dropped off of the face of the earth. And he never heard from her again.

I sat and listened, saddened by his story. I knew as he spoke the method behind her madness. You see, my friend is a very fine fellow indeed. He is a gentleman and a scholar. He is the typical buy roses, give attention, hopeless romantic type. A good guy at heart, he doesn't lie, cheat, steal, nor stoop to any of the commonplace ideologies that relationships seem to hold nowadays.

So why would this woman, seeing all that my friend had to offer, not be interested? He has all the principles you could ever want in a man. He is fairly intelligent, and he has a good personality. His physical features are attractive, he isn't a bad looking at all.

Wouldn't that be all a girl would want?

Turns out the answer is no. I asked my friend to tell me more about the dates they went on. What happened, what he did, and how he did it. I began to question if she ever did anything that he wasn't really ok with, but didn't say anything because he wanted to make the relationship work. This is where gold was struck.

He told me that on a fairly regular basis, she would tell him about a club she was going to be hitting up, getting drunk and partying. She also kissed another one of her guy friends on the lips when she was hanging out with my friend on a date, and then proceeded to tell him that she does that with all of her guy friends. He said that it took her forever to respond to any text he would send. Same with phone calls or iming through facebook. He told me that every time they hung out she would constantly be on her phone, texting away.

After I got all this information, I pieced together the reasoning. And after my friend (we'll call him ralph) told me all of it, he had quite a learning experience himself. He didn't want a girlfriend like that, and the only reason he had been sticking it out was because he wanted a relationship. This is where I started formulating the Four Q's, a simple, yet vastly understated formula for finding determining exactly what you want a man or woman.

You see, Ralph had very different goals for a relationship than the girl he was seeing. He wanted true longevity, satisfaction, and honesty. Most of all he wanted integrity. The girl he was dating wasn't after that at all. She wanted the freedom of being young and attractive, she wanted to experiment and party. She definitely didn't want to start dating some good guy that would make her want to change her life around, even if it was for the better. Which is fine, do what feels good, don't worry about your spiritual consequences (Disclaimer: I find that some people think the words religion and spirituality are synonymous. This is false. When I say spirituality, I merely mean a quest for meaning, and for meaningful relationships. More on this in my previous post, A Conversation).

At this point I'm going to delve into the four Q's, the qualifiers when it comes to finding an agreeable partner. Keep in mind that these dont go in any certain order, but one is (in my head) fairly more important then the rest.

1. looks

I don't know about you, but for me, I used to think that I was shallow if I used a girls looks as a partial determinate as to whether I would date her. I don't think that way anymore. I believe it is more common sense. When I see a girl, the first thing I notice is the way she looks. Not the personality she has, or the types of beliefs she harbors. So, while not the end all, looks serve as a good starting point.

Oh yea, and in all honesty, why the hell would I want to be in a relationship with someone I dont find physically attractive? That would make intimacy painfully difficult.

2. Personality

The second qualifier is personality, without it the relationship would be a dull experience. For me, I need a girl that can interact freely with me, one whos makeup seems to be compatible to mine. I'm NOT saying that she needs to be the female version of me. She and I just need to click. Laughter for me is a necessity, I want to be able to have fun, and enjoy my time around the person.

3. Intelligence.

I cannot date an airhead. That might sound brutal, but it's true. I need a girlfriend who is competent, and can have meaningful conversation. We dont have to have the same opinions about everything, but being able to debate and converse is a definate must have with me.

4. Integrity/morals

To me, this is probably the most important attribute. I will explain why in a second. First I need to explain what I mean.

With integrity, I revert back to the old saying, "say what you mean, mean what you say," and its equally important brother, " DO what you say, say what you do." They both boil down to honesty, plain and simple. I need a girlfriend who isn't full of shit, will tell me things candidly, and wont beat around the bush.

When it comes to morals, does this person align with my own sense of right and wrong? For example: The girl I'm interested in goes clubbing every night. Is this something I want in a relationship? Is it something that I believe in, or something I would do? Does she seem to hold the same standards/principles for herself that I do? If I can answer these questions successfully, I'll be one step closer to a healthy and satisfying relationship, provided thats what I want.

A word to the wise, out of all of the four Q's, only one can sneak up from behind you and kick you in the ass. And thats integrity/morals. Why? I thought you'd never ask.

-When it comes to looks, what you see is what you get. They can't really suprise you, unless they have an odd birth defect, or some hidden deformation.

-When it comes to personality, again there should be no suprise. I know pretty much off the bat if I like a girls personality. And if this somehow changes throughout a relationship with her, thats more of a moral thing, a concern with mental stability, or some other factor.

-And with intelligence, you can figure that out by having a few serious talks with that person. Assessment can come even quicker than that, given you are particularly perceptive.

But oh, how the integrity aspect can hurt you. After the initial "newness" of a relationship wears off, you might suddenly find yourself disliking, even despising certain ways your other half handles themselves and situations. You might start to notice the frequency of drink and the bad decisions made during, the lack of integrity when it comes to common day situations, and maybe even the absense of a moral compass entirely. You might find that once you strip away the other things that so attracted you to that person, what you are left with is a shell of human conscience, with no substance to keep it intact. You might find what I'm saying is harsh, but it happens all the time. For example.

Girl gets into a relationship with guy. Things go great for a few months. Then girl starts noticing a large increase in the amount texts and calls her boyfriend is getting from other women, sometimes late into the night. His ex girlfriend (the one he was in a relationship 2 months prior to dating this new girl) constantly calls and texts, sending odd and provacative things to him. So the girl tells him it makes her uncomfortable, that while she knows he isn't doing anything with them, it still seems kind of weird. He agrees, but doesn't stop it. Instead of telling the girl that is continually calling and texting to chill out, that it's kind of weird for her to be so adamant on communicating with him, he ignores his phone whenever it rings around his girlfriend. This continues, and now the sense of secrecy that her boyfriend is displaying becomes a burden on her mind, and she doesn't know what to do. "In the beginning of the relationship it wasn't like this," shes apt to think, "why is it starting now? Why can't he just say leave me alone? Does she even know I'm dating him?" Confused and struggling, she puts up with it for a while, occassionaly telling him that it makes her uncomfortable, to which he replies that he knows, and he's sorry. This goes on for a while, and the girl becomes more and more upset, not knowing what to do.

As you can probably infer, the relationship went down the tubes. This wasn't a sneak attack by his personality, looks, or intelligence that hurt her, it was his lack of integrity. Instead of telling the girls (mainly the ex) to stop calling and texting all the time, he chose to ignore it. Why? Because he was afraid of hurting their feelings. He didn't want to make anyone upset. But this in turn hurt his current girlfriend the worst. By trying to prevent what he didn't want to happen, that exact thing did happened. Even when his girlfriend pointed that out to him, he didn't change, because fear of change is bigger than the fear of losing her.

So be wary of the integrity slip. Its happened to me before, and it's not fun.

Either way, the Four Q's are as follows.

1Looks
2.Personality
3.Intelligence
4. Integrity/ morals

And might I add, before you go trying to categorize every possible dating partner, you might want to determine for yourself what you want. Some people argue that you can't know what you want till you've had what you don't, but I disagree. I haven't asked out hundreds of women because I knew that they wouldn't be what I wanted. This is because I have an ideal, mainly centered around these four Q's. I've given you my archtype going along with each qualifier. So far it's treated me well. But YOU have to decide what you want, and never settle for something if it isn't what your happy with.

If there's anything I've learned since being alive, its that being in a relationship so as not to be alone is stupid. Being in a relationship with someone that doesn't fulfill these standards is quite harmful, and for me leads to dissatisfaction throughout the relationship.

Anyways, I know this was long, but I appreciate all who read it. If you have any comments just send them to me via email, hedonarium@yahoo.com , or just leave them here!

The Conversation

2009-07-23T23:32:00.001-07:00

The following is a conversation a friend of mine and I had about the "filtering of morals" in our society. We were speculating as to why society has lost ground when it comes to respectful interaction of men and women. This conversation rides upon my previous post. Enjoy:D

Questionable

hold on, getting my thoughts in order...OK, think of a mountain (sorry if this turns out to be a bad analogy).

Caity
well yeah, of course theres a downward slope that society and our culture went through to get here.

Questionable

A cloud hovers over the mountain and for eternity rains down one drop that careens down the side

Caity
okay...go on.

Questionable

So the water, held by some common knowledge (in this realm of imagination) knew that if it went the easiest shortest way down the mountain, it would arrive the quickest. But it also knew that it wouldn't gather up necessary sediment and other water particles to make it larger and happier. Well, being the smart water droplet it was, it took the hard way down, cruising through rocks, over crevices, and whatnot, to get what it wanted, rather than roll straight towards the bottom.

Questionable

Well, after a while the water droplet became lazy, it said, "you know what, this is a lot of fucking work, id rather just take the easy way out." And so your right, the easy way out it took, and even though it wasnt instantaneous, it was drastic. At first the men doing it were (I'm sure) thought of as ludicrous, but as time moved on, others caught notice of the face that these guys were getting some sort of payoff. ON THE SURFACE, they got the hot girl and the relationships (keep in mind that the "relationships" these men were getting was in no way comparably good to the relationships the old fashioned men and women had, in my opinion.)

Questionable

So, noting that it is indeed much harder to be a gentleman, and to open doors for ladies, and to hold your hand out to women when crossing the street, they decided to take the road more easily traveled. The one with a quicker payoff, but a much smaller reward.

Its honestly a slip of integrity, a filtering of morals, and a decline of ethics=/ I dont know if im right, and i dont know if that analogy was at all fitting with what i was trying to say, but i hope that you understood my point

Caity

no, i wasnt sure where you were going with the analogy at first, but i got it at the end. that actually makes pretty good sense and sounds pretty spot on

Questionable

and i definately didnt want you to stop talking, i like what you say, i just had to get that out of my mind

Caity

a filtering of morals sounds pretty fitting, i agree with that

no, i understand. i was interrupting, and counting to a completely different point than the one you were making

Questionable

:D its all good, I think im crazy

Great Thinkers and Bullshit Acceptance

2009-07-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

OK, here I am, back again. Sorry about the hiatus, I've been dealing with quite a few different things as we speak.

Anyways, two things.

First off, whats happening to us? Where are the great thinkers? The revolutionists? The ones who think outside of the box and completely blow peoples mind with their great insight? Have all of our bases been covered? Is there anything left to discover? To redefine? Is society content living in the world that they do? One that requires minimal brain power, even less introspection, and no sense of self?

It annoys me as to where our younger generation is heading. Myself included. I am petrified of seeing what our culture is going to look like in 10 years. I walked into a bank today, expecting to see people greeting me and taking my checks. I was confronted with a terminal of computers, and not a soul in sight.

What is happening? I don't want to lose face to face contact, I don't want to witness what is going on with the 20 and under generation. It really is frightening.

I know other people have similar opinions as I do, so please, shed some light on me. Am I completely missing the whole here? Is there something I left out? Or are we headed toward a downward spiral, where the elderly and their stories falls on deaf ears, to be traded out for the recent update on facebook or twitter? Every time I turn around I see another kid glued to a cellphone, texting away, completely oblivious of whats happening around them.

There is going to be no such thing as social interaction in the coming generation. At least not face to face.

And what about the generation I'm currently in? The twenty ones to forty's? Its making me sick. It seems commonplace for men to completely disrespect women, rude comments, physical aggression, etc etc. Really, it seems like us men have lost the ability to be gentlemanly, on a regular basis. I'm not saying we can't when it affords us certain "benefits." But a lot of guys out there are just selfish jerkoffs.

And the women too. Letting, even encouraging that sort of behavior. I mean, cmon. What happened to being a "lady?" Did that go out the window, as soon as a guy realized its much easier to be a douchebag rather than a gentleman? It really does freak me out. There is a huge difference between being an alpha male, and being someone who flaunts their own macho-ism as a show of disrespect and self-gain.

Maybe I'm not being succinct enough. Maybe some of you are missing my point. But as much as I love technology, sometimes I'd rather be living in the 1970's. That would be where I felt like I belonged. Where the proper thing to do was be a gentleman, and the proper thing for women was to reciprocate. Not, "Yo bitch, I'm going to *insert bullshit comment here*", and then the womens response of silence, or even worse, acceptance.

I've never been one to "slap a hoe", or any of the other commonplace attitudes I see. I've also never been one to accept something I though was wrong. Yes, this has gotten me in trouble, but would I rather live on my knees or die on my feet?

Am I the only one who feels like this is whats happening? Because that's what I feel like.

On a lighter note, I am excited to see what the future holds, because I think that anything will be better when it comes to a man and woman relationship. Social interaction, meh. But maybe the next generation will be so socially inept that they won't be able to disrespect the opposite sex in real life.

hey

2009-07-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry about not writing the last couple days, I've been dealing with a lot of shit in the last few days. hopefully either tonight or tomorow i will write the next article I've been looking at posting. Anyways, cheers, be back on soon!

What do you find attractive in a person?

2009-07-15T21:27:00.001-07:00

This is a question I pose to others often; often with humorous and varied responses. At first people stammer, then they look around to see if anyone is listening. After the paranoia wears off, they ask me to repeat myself, even though they heard me clearly the first time. So I repeat for a second time, "What do you find attractive in a person?"

Normally, they ask for a minute to think. They want to know why I want to know, why I would care to ask. They want me to clarify; do I mean looks, personality, IQ, etc? After their initial round of questioning, I give the answer I always give.

I'm curious as to what men and women find attractive in whatever sex they are interested in. I tell them to say the first thing that comes to mind, that it doesn't matter what category it falls under. I ask them to be honest, and let me know when they figure it out.

Their answers are spectacular. They range from the cleanliness of ones shoes, to the way a person makes eye contact with them when first being introduced. One lady said that if a man could make her laugh within the first ten minutes of meeting her, then she would most definately find them attractive. Another told me that he is drawn to women that are independant.

Now, when I originally tell these people why I'm interested, I leave the shadow behind the statue. I truly am curious as to what they find attractive in a person, but the reason is because I want to know why they find that feature attractive.

That's my question for you guys. I'd like to know what is one of the main things you find attractive in a person (that you would like to be romantically involved with), and why. I'm not asking for an essay, but you can write one if you so desire. What it can be is something as simple as, " I like it when a guy holds open the door for me, because to me it feels as though he has respect for women and is a gentleman at heart", or something to that effect.

So figure out what it is you find attractive, and either leave it in the comments section, or send me an email at hedonarium@yahoo.com

I look forward to hearing from you!

Intro vs Extro continued

2009-07-15T16:43:00.001-07:00

For anyone interested, the last time I talked about introverts and extroverts, I published my questionings on KOIS blog, and asked him to respond. he did, but gave no sign of answering any of my questions, and then began to fence hop when the situation got tough, attacking another comment. Well, I replied back, and when the submit was clicked, I found that he had blocked me from posting on his website.

lol wut.

anyways, this is my comment to his response to a girl that posted named hannah j.

and here is the website, with the story in its entirety, http://kingdomofintroversion.com/2009/07/13/extrovert-critic-youll-never-get-laid-if-you-____/#comments

keep in mind that what is written below is supposed to be the last comment posted on his website, but wasn't able to because he doesn't enjoy my opinions =(

I once again am going to have to disagree with you. To make generalizations about an entire female population is kind of absurd.

You see, I believe your placing way to much emphasis on the whole Sports vs Magic the Gathering argument. While this did serve a good jumping off point in your post, it failed to get get you all the way home. Many other variables must be taken into account when assessing the likability of men.

To begin with, I don't believe engaging in sports is a large determinate of date-ability. More so, the interaction of a man in ANY social situation creates the appeal. I will give it to you that a man having a strong social network as a result of his hobbies is more attractive, but these activities can be anything, sports, card games, blogging, etc etc.
For example:

I am generally not interested in sports. I don't enjoy watching them, and there are few sports I actually enjoy playing. You could say that my social networking appeal is very low when it comes to these pasttimes.

I do however, have a large interest in philosophy, ethics, computers, reading, writing, and music. And I can say that my social networks for most of these subjects is fairly strong.

You know the aphorism, it's not what you know, but who you know? It stands true for more than just aspiring businessmen. I have the same strong social "appeal" as a person who dedicates their life to sports. When I first started dating my most recent ex girlfriend, she wasn't wowed by the "sports-going" people I seemed to know. She was impressed by the amount of people I knew, period. Regardless of the reasoning as to how I knew them.

So while sports may be more mainstream than diablo II, the impact it has on the attractiveness of a man is much lower than you portray. The representation of a social network is a much bigger factor.

Your final paragraph states that it is hard to have a complex, fulfilling relationship with a girl if you cannot get her first. What? If a girl is going to date someone because they are more outgoing than an introvert, and if an introvert does want to have a complex, fulfilling relationships with a girl, then said introvert might want to change tactics, no? I believe that placing the blame on society rather than face the fact that it is reality is quite unhealthy.

One more thing then I'm done.

Through reading your posts, I have come to notice that your opinion inflects alot of your writing. Which is fine, the problem I have is when you state your opinion as fact. I know that you believe yourself to be right, but throwing up generalizations and your own perception about society as a whole does not constitute an objective reality.

An example would be you saying that society is oppressive to introverts. I'm not saying this statement is wrong, what I'm saying is that in your context I believe it to be incorrect. To an introvert, society would feel like an oppressive force, since, as you state, society favors those more boisterous, charismatic individuals. But this doesn't define the reality of our society. This is merely the FEELING an introvert recieves, not the reality. An extrovert would feel a similar pressure if there was no sort of society. But there is, and that is the reality, not the feeling from experiencing such a reality.

In closing, thank you for letting me say my piece, If you want to further discus this or any other topic, you can contact me through my blog at http://doesnthurtyet.blogspot.com , or email me at hedonarium@yahoo.com

intro vs extro

2009-07-14T17:09:00.001-07:00

After being on the web for quite some time today, I ran across a blog posted by a very interesting individual. The Website, called "Kingdom of Introversion", piqued my curiosity immediately. Always one to question others opinions, I began immersing myself in KOI's blog.

Once I had devoured a few posts, a couple things stood out to me. The first being how vastly different each individual is, and yet how incredibly similar we all are. Here is this gentleman, coming from an introverts point of view, commenting on the same seemingly objective reality that I interact with, and having a completely different take on these similar social situations.

You see, I claim to be neither an introvert or an extrovert. Throughout any given day I am very receptive and aware of my thoughts and feelings, and throughout the same day I am also very in tune to the physical world; one might even call me an outgoing, gregarious person (dictionary.com).

So although I do enjoy moments of solitude, witty wordplay, reflective thinking, and heavy questions, I also enjoy shooting off at the mouth, speaking boisterously, interacting with strangers, and living in the material world. (For anyone that didn't notice, this entire paragraph is riddled with redefinition. This is when you take a word most people know and redefine it to suit your own needs, regardless of the actual definition)

To give a small example: coming straight out of KOI's blog is this statement. " 98% percent of talk is small talk. It leads to nothing, is spouted out for its own sake without consideration. It is a waste of time and energy. It is pollution. It is mandatory."

He is speaking on the behalf of introverts, and how they dislike to partake in "small talk". Now I want you to imagine a person who has engaged in and felt the social awkwardness that comes from small talk. Now take that same person and compare it to another, who has had similar experiences. Where this gentleman has come to the conclusion that small talk leads to nothing, and is a waste of time and energy, another person experiencing very similar situations will come up with a completely different conclusion.

Take myself for example. Not to be critical nor controversial (actually that's normally what I set out to do), I believe that small talk benefits an individual tremendously. I cannot recall how many times a simple three minute "pointless" conversation with a passerby or a cashier has resulted in my receiving something of value. Whether this be a connection to someone, or a free something-or-another, or just a word of wisdom, it turns out that a lot of my small talks actually amount to something.

He has a point though, that some small talk is obviously dry and boring. But to say that all small talk is just a waste of breath would be discounting one of the biggest ways a person can benefit from the society in which we live. I mean, if small talk is indeed mandatory, as KOI says, wouldn't you want to be able to enjoy and profit from it?

What do you think? Leave a comment or shoot me an email at hedonarium@yahoo.com
I look forward to hearing from you!

First

2009-07-13T18:38:00.000-07:00

So my first post is here, I feel euphoric. To think, a few years ago, I knew no one who blogged, much less what a blog was. Now, it seems as though everyone can write abut anything, and people will listen. I wonder why blogs have become so mainstream, and why so many are drawn to the idea of conveying their life experiences to another through a network of computers.

Although I'm not breaking new ground here, I believe it is mainly due to our yearning to belong. This isn't a terrible trait, in fact, it is one vital for the success of many great enterprises (ie: community). And what better way to feel loved than to post your opinions and feelings on the internet, where people can relate and even comment back?

And lets not forget the luxury of not having to explain your viewpoints face to face, in a concise and comprehendable manner! Yes, the creation of blogs have made it possible for otherwise incompetent people to sound mature, sophisticated, well spoken, and humorous. Given the option of speaking in front of a crowd on the spot, or writing a well versed essay, I believe most choose the latter.

This leads into my second topic, the slow death of human interaction on a physical level. Well, I could lead into that topic, but I think for now I'll save the pulpit preaching for another day.

As far as what viewers can expect from my daily posts, I must briefly summarize, as well as qualify, both who I am and why you should be even slightly interested in this blog. To be brief, my writings are going to be an abstract assortment of my thoughts. Although they will be abstract, I will try to make them as concise as possible.

My hope is that by expressing my opinions, the reader will become actively engaged in whatever topic is at hand, and in so doing, producing their own opinions to combat or aid my own.

I want to be taught and learned. I want to be informed and humored. And for my viewers, I want to do the same. I looked forward to contributing something worthwhile to your life, if only it takes a minute of your time.

Luke